


(I can't) Save Myself (Please save me)

by LeotheLionathefootofOrion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caring!Sam, Depression, Getting Back Together, Heavy Angst, Human AU, M/M, References to Suicide, depressed!gabriel, happyish ending? I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-09 00:31:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10399650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeotheLionathefootofOrion/pseuds/LeotheLionathefootofOrion
Summary: This is a gift for theycallmetrickstr AKA a lovely, lovely human who requested angsty, suicidal Gabriel.As you can tell from the tags, it won't be a happy story. Read at your own discretion and stay safe, lovely people!!





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theycallmetrickstr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theycallmetrickstr/gifts).



Sam had to admit it, the last thing he'd been expecting at 3am on a Tuesday morning had been a call from his ex boyfriend.  
He couldn't bring himself to be angry, since he'd been awake for hours anyway. He was more curious than anything.  
Seeing Gabriel's name on the caller ID filled him with apprehension. Since Sam had ended their relationship some months before, things hadn't been great between the two of them. They rarely met, and when they did, conversation was stilted, to say the least.  
The phone didn't stop ringing, so Sam figured it must be important - and more than just a drunken booty call. So he picked up the phone, and after a moments pause, held it to his ear.

"Gabriel." He said quietly. "What's up?"  
There was a moments pause on the other end of the line and Sam began to think that he must have been butt-dialled. But then he heard Gabriel exhale in the most heartbreaking, sorrowful way. He stopped, and listened.

"Sam." Gabriel said, like he was talking through a mouthful of cotton wool. "Sam. Do you ever.... Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you....?"

Sam frowned and sat up a little. He honestly couldn't tell if Gabriel was being serious. He sounded serious, sure. But honestly? Sam wouldn't put it past him to fake something like this. He could be incredibly crass sometimes.

"What the hell, man?" He asked, carefully. "Are you serious?"  
He heard a laugh - although that wasn't quite the right word. It was more of a sob.

"Deadly serious, Sam." Gabriel whispered.   
Sam felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.

"Where are you, Gabe? Are you at home?" He said as gently as he could, quickly climbing out of bed and shoving his feet into shoes. He sighed in relief, when Gabriel shakily replied that he was at home.  
"Okay, I'm coming over. You... just stay where you are, okay?"

"Sam." Gabriel whispered, and Sam heard his breath rattle. "I-I c-can't do this. I can't."  
Sam grabbed his keys and began to run, the phone still pressed to his ear.

"Yes you can. You can, I promise. I'm just a couple of blocks away, I'll be with you soon. I'm coming, just sit tight!" He began to jog down the stairs of his apartment.

He wondered why Gabriel had called him. They weren't together, they weren't even friends. They had broken up - or rather, Sam had broken up with Gabriel - months ago. Why was he calling Sam now, about something as serious about this? Surely Cas or even Dean would have been a better option?  
Looking back, Sam wasn't even entirely sure why he had dumped Gabriel. Apart from the fact that things hadn't been brilliant between them for a while. They fought a lot - but instead of talking about the fight and resolving the issues, they'd just fuck. And then the next time they fought the issues were still there, from the last time.  
Sam supposed that in the end, he just couldn't deal with it. Gabriel wasn't willing to talk to him. In fact, Gabriel didn't seem to be willing to do anything at all. A few months before their breakup, he'd quit his high paid job at an investment bank. Instead of looking for a new job, he'd spent all his time laying around in boxers and a t shirt, eating candy and watching back to back episodes of Dr Sexy.  
Gabriel seemed to have given up on their relationship, and after weeks and weeks of repeatedly trying, Sam had given up too. There was nothing left to fight for.

Sam ran up the stairs of Gabriel's building and was relieved to find that the door to his apartment was unlocked. He checked every room, calling out softly, and eventually found Gabriel in the bathroom.

He was curled up in the corner between the toilet and the bathtub, knees pulled tight to his chest. He looked smaller than Sam remembered, and there was no life or expression in his face. From his sunken eyes, to the untrimmed scruff around his neck, he looked like a completely different person.  
"You came." He said hoarsely, as though he hadn't expected it. Sam bent down in front of him, noticing the small pill bottle clenched in his hand.

"Of course I came." Sam said softly. "Gabe... Why didn't you call me earlier? Or Dean and Cas?"  
Gabriel shrugged, refusing to meet Sam's eye.  
"Didn't want to bother you. We're not exactly friends, are we? And I haven't seen Dean or Cas for ages. Didn't want to bother them either."

Sam bit his lip and moved a little bit closer. "How long have you felt like this?"  
Gabriel looked up, blinking with his tear reddened eyes. "Don't know. About a year I think. Months all blur together these days."

Sam felt his heart clench. "Gabe... A year ago... We were still together."  
Suddenly, the pieces began to fall together in Sam's brain. The apathy, the lack of motivation. All of it made sense. Gabriel had been suffering from depression the entire time and Sam hadn't even noticed. He swallowed around a large lump that had materialised in his throat.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He said softly. "I-I had no idea. I thought..." He trailed off, watching Gabriel's fingers curl tighter around the bottle.  
"I didn't want to give you yet another reason to leave me." Gabriel sighed, barking out a strange and horrible laugh. "Guess that plan backfired, didn't it?"

Sam reached out and brushed his fingers along Gabriel's wrist. He flinched.  
"You should've told me." He whispered. "I wouldn't have left you."  
Gabriel looked at him with sad, empty eyes.  
"You did leave me, Sam. Just like everyone else I've ever loved. Dad, Lucifer, Kali." He ticked them off on his fingers. "And then you. Not that I blame you." He sighed. "You were sick off me at the end. I think you even hated me. You hated what I'd become." He fiddled with the cap of the bottle, half opening it. "But not as much I hated it, though."

Sam hung his head. It was true. He had hated Gabriel. He'd hated him for not caring, for not fighting for the wonderful thing that they had had together. But now he knew why... He didn't hate Gabriel. He just felt sorry. Sorry, and so, so guilty.

He reached out with one faltering hand and slipped the pill bottle from between Gabriel's fingers. He tossed it into the waste bin without even looking. All he could do was stare at Gabriel.  
"I'm sorry." He said simply. "I'm so fucking sorry. I was an asshole. I thought you were the one in the wrong and I was so angry... I just couldn't see that you were hurting. I was blind." He shuffled forward on his knees, almost in supplication. "Let me help you, Gabe? Please?"

Gabriel looked at Sam, obviously doubtful. He glanced down at his now empty hand, then back up at Sam again.  
"Guess I don't have much choice, do I?" He whispered. Biting his lip, he met Sam's gaze, and slowly lifting his arms, offering a hug.

Sam, not at all expecting the gesture, gasped softly. He quickly recovered, though, and leaned into the circle of Gabriel's arms, embracing him carefully as though he might shatter any second.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you." Gabriel whispered, and Sam could tell from his tone that he was half joking. "But..."

"We both made mistakes." Sam agreed, rubbing Gabriel's shoulders gently. Gabriel nodded.  
"Will you stay here, tonight?" He asked. "I'm not sure I can make it on my own."

Sam cupped his cheeks tenderly, drawing back to gaze at him.  
"I wouldn't dream of leaving you. Never again, Gabriel. I swear it." 

Gabriel looked as though he didn't quite believe that and Sam didn't blame him at all. He'd made a terrible mistake and abandoned the man he loved when he needed him the most. He knew they would have words about that, in the future. But now, what mattered was getting Gabriel through the night.

"Let's go to bed." He suggested, lightly stroking Gabriel's arms. "Try and get some sleep. In the morning, I'll take you straight to the doctor and we'll get you some help, stat."  
Gabriel nodded, and allowed Sam to help him to his feet. As Sam wrapped his arm around his waist, he looked up and their eyes met.

"I always loved you." Gabriel said softly. "All the time. Even when you yelled at me. Even when you took your stuff and went away. Even when you ignored me. Even when I wanted to hate you. And I did hate you, believe me." He huffed a not-quite laugh. "It didn't matter, how I felt. How much I wanted to yell or scream or cry or... die. I always loved you."

Sam felt his eyes fill with tears. "Believe it or not, I loved you too." He whispered. "C'mon. Let's try and get some rest."  
He paused minutely, glancing at Gabriel.  
"I promise from now on, I'll be here for you. I won't let you be alone again."  
He helped Gabriel settle on the bed. "I'm guessing Dean and Cas don't know about this either?" He questioned, tucking a blanket over Gabriel's shoulders. Gabriel shook his head in response.

"I didn't want to tell anyone." He murmured. "I feel so weak and stupid. It's embarrassing. I know they'd probably understand but... I'd rather they didn't have to. It's bad enough that you know, honestly."

"You're not weak." Sam corrected gently. "You're ill, Gabe. And that's not your fault. If I hadn't been a blind, stupid fool, you'd be okay right now."

Gabriel shrugged and held out his hand for Sam to join him in bed.  
"I don't know about that." He replied softly, as Sam curled around him protectively. "I'm glad you're here now, Sam. If you weren't... well, I don't think I would be either."

Sam bit his lip, trying to repress his own tears.  
"I'm glad I'm here too." He replied, kissing Gabriel's hair. "And I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever."  
He wrapped his arms around Gabriel's waist and cuddled him close.  
"I don't expect to be forgiven." He whispered. "Hell, I don't deserve it. You were going through hell and I just... walked away from you. But as long as you need me or want me, I'll be here for you. We'll get you through this, I promise."

Gabriel turned around and buried his face against Sam's chest.  
"God, I don't want to forgive you so easily." He whimpered. "But... I do. I forgive you. It was my fault too, for not talking to you. A successful relationship is built on communication and if I'd let you in... well, things would've been different."   
He looked up at Sam.  
"I don't think I'm going to be alright for a long time, Sam. But having you here to help me through it? I think I might just be a bit alright-er."

He half smiled, and rested his head as close as he could get to Sam. He looked completely washed out, drained and exhausted.

Sam knew he was right. Things wouldn't be alright for a long, long time.   
But at least now he was back where he needed to be, taking care of the man who meant so much to him, and trying his best to redeem his mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> Do hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a comment!


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